The Oily Menace's Kevin has kindly offered this weapons-grade habanero-based hot sauce recipe for your tastebud-eradicating pleasure, along with what is bar-none the funniest recipe I've received thus far. Even if you're a complete wimp and don't eat anything "spicier than ketchup" (I actually have a friend who defines her spice limit this exact way), read this recipe, because it rules. Also, please note: If you're preparing this recipe, DON'T FORGET A PAIR OF GLOVES. Never underestimate the habanero's power to permeate EVERY ORIFICE IN YOUR BODY.
Hardware: Blender, pot or pan.
1-10 habaneros, depending on heat level (1 pepper for ONE FUCKING
SKULL, ten peppers for TEN FUCKING SKULLS). Stems removed and cut in half. Leave the meat inside the pepper, it's got a lot of flavor that only posers throw away. These are the same people who wave a 7a drumstick over a snare to dust it off and call that a blast beat. Sorry, even Rich Hoak can’t get away with that any more.
Cumin seeds (anywhere from 1 tsp to infinity, but start small).
Hopefully raw because we want to toast these. If you’re using ground
cumin, consider getting a spice grinder or a mortar and pestle
because fresh seeds are cheaper and have a lot more flavor. Anyway,
start at ½ tsp with ground.
1 medium onion, chopped. I like a red onion, but some may prefer a
1-2 stalks of celery, chopped.
1-1½ cups of carrots, ripped to shreds. More carrots for a slightly
A whole head of real garlic. Hard neck garlic. Real garlic from the
farmer’s market that has some purple or red on it. Strong garlic.
Garlic that doesn’t use triggers. Peel ‘em all and coarsely chop.
Juice of 3 small or 2 medium limes. You can roll the limes under the
palm of your hand before you cut them to soften them up. It's okay if
some lime pulp gets into the recipe too.
2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar. White vinegar is NOT THE SAME,
just like the reformed Terrorizer.
One tablespoon of salt. This is a lot of salt for this sauce, so you
don’t have to use it all, but don’t use more than this.
Oil, about a tablespoon
Water, about 3 cups.
Start with a dry pot or pan that is big enough to hold everything.
Turn the heat up to med-high and once the pan is hot drop the cumin
seeds in. As soon as one or two of them pop, or you smell them
toasting then turn off the heat, and dump them into your grinder or
mortar…and grind. They should be done toasting by the time you get
through the long version of Metal Attitude Sucks by Larm, or
Starvation by Siege. If you’re using powered cumin skip this
altogether but you should still listen to Larm.
Next place a small amount of oil in the pan, return to medium heat.
Once the oil is hot place in the onions, celery, and carrots. Do you
know what a sweat is? You probably do after this insanely hot summer
we have had, but in this case it means to soften the vegetables and
concentrate flavor. Do this with a pinch of the salt to help draw out
moisture. Kitchen veterans might note that is a mirepoix, but with a
bit less celery. This will take longer than the Thin Lizzy song Cold
Sweat, but should be done in a Whiskey in the Jar, or a Remembering pt 2. If it starts to brown, it's too hot.
Next add the habaneros and ½ of the garlic. If you happen to have
started Defeatist’s last LP when you added the peppers, they will
probably be done somewhere near the start of Choking the Light, or
Lament. If you don’t have that LP…get it.
Okay, let's blend. Put the lime juice, vinegar, and remaining raw
garlic in the blender and spin ‘til it's smooth. Then add the hot
stuff and blend ‘til it's super smooth. If you need to learn about
Once the sauce is thick and smooth, you can thin it out to the desired consistency with some water. I usually add about a cup, but some people want a much thinner sauce. This will only thicken a small
amount when cooled.
Add salt to taste, and bottle! If you use a canning jar it's usually hot enough to make a seal. Once opened it keeps for about a month.